When we eat to distract ourselves from whatever is bothering us, we are practicing denial, pure and simple. We do not want to deal with the problem. If a fire alarm wakes us up, what should we do? Find the fire or silence the alarm and go back to sleep? The answer is obvious to me. Find the fire and put it out before it kills us. With emotional eating, acknowledging the source of the upset, even if we can’t do anything about it, will help us at least stop the automatic behavior, and perhaps this acknowledgment will help us make that first step in changing the situation.
Sometime back in the 70’s, separation therapy become popular. The foundation of this therapy was to separate ourselves into our adult self, our feeling self and our acting out self. The adult self’s role is to monitor the feeling self and the acting out self, so that feelings could be fully felt, but not acted upon, except in cases where it was appropriate. All feelings are appropriate, but not all feelings should be acted out. What gets most of us stuck in immature behaviors is that we act out feelings before even understanding those feelings. That is, our feeling self never really gets to fully feel, because we act on stuffing those feelings before we’ve had a chance to allow our feelings their due process. It’s like taking a cake out of the oven before it’s done. It’s going to be messy. When we act out our feelings before allowing ourselves time to process them, it gets equally as messy, only psychologically so.
Here’s an example of a separation therapy dialogue with respect to acting out behaviors with food. Adult is the adult self, Feeling is the feeling self, and Actor is the acting out self. Keep the following in mind: Adult only moderates. Feeling only feels and Actor only acts out.
Here is the event: I have been invited to a party at work, and I am a new employee. I am 40 pounds overweight, and everyone else is slender (or at least that’s what my brain tells me).
Adult: I’m going to try to meet as many new people as I can. I’m going to make this new job fun.
Feeling: I feel really uncomfortable. I feel like everyone is looking at me. I feel very afraid that no one will like me.
Actor: Whoa, I see the food! Let’s go eat. I can take care of those feelings. Let’s just stuff them right now!
Adult: Actor, what Feeling needs to do is simply process these feelings until she realizes that they’re just feelings and are in no way based on fact. If you always try to sooth her feelings, she will never be able to mature. She will never be able to gain confidence in her ability to meet new people and to feel comfortable around them. Stop trying to protect her. You’re only making it worse.
Feeling: I feel so awkward. I feel like nobody likes me. Can you let Actor make it better? I don’t want to grow up! It hurts to feel this way.
Adult: Feeling, I realize that, but emotional growth sometimes comes with pain. If I allow Actor to stop these feelings, you will never be mature enough to be with other people without over eating. Just feel the feelings. I will, however, allow Actor to go to the bathroom so we can sit and process these feelings, but I will not allow Actor to do anything that will sabotage our progress.
After a few moments of just feeling and recognizing that the feelings are not based on fact, Feeling begins to relax. Her anxiety begins to lessen, and she feels stronger. I go back to the party, I stay away from the food, but I do drink water! Simply having a glass of water in my hand really helps.
Acting out behaviors, also known as reactions, can be thought of as knee-jerk behaviors that result from emotional unawareness. The key is to allow your feelings to get fully processed BEFORE initiating responsive behavior, and to know the difference between feelings and acting out behavior. Awareness is the FIRST step.
What feelings are you suppressing?
Eat Less & Live Longer
I just finished reading an article in the January 2010 issue of Time magazine: Why Genes Aren’t Destiny. I’ve understood the concept of epigenetics for a while, which means that we may have the genes for a specific disease, such as obesity, but that gene could remain dormant in the right environment. This article explored the work of Dr. Lars Olov Bygren, who wondered what effects feast and famine had on the offspring of the families that lived in Norrbotten, a remote village in northern Sweden.
When the harvest was bad there, people starved; when the harvest was good, people gorged themselves. Bygren’s research showed that “kids who went from normal eating to gluttony in a single season” produced offspring who lived far shorter lives – approximately six years shorter than those kids who endured a scarce harvest.
Reading those findings reminded me of a book I bought years ago: The 120-Year Diet. The premise of this book is based on a diet high in nutrition and low in calories. Dr. Roy Walford indicated that we would live much longer by being underweight. The trick of course is to find food that is truly high in nutrition. Because of mass production of our fruits and vegetables, the nutrition content is lower than it’s ever been. It seems then that by attempting to grow more food, we are actually getting less nutrition.
In many ways, we’ve lost sight of what is important for us to live: food, water, and oxygen. We seem to be more focused on our cell phones and the latest flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Not that those things aren’t important, but perhaps we should pay just a little more attention to the nutritional value of what we ingest. Not only do our lives depend on it, but our kids’ lives do too.
When the harvest was bad there, people starved; when the harvest was good, people gorged themselves. Bygren’s research showed that “kids who went from normal eating to gluttony in a single season” produced offspring who lived far shorter lives – approximately six years shorter than those kids who endured a scarce harvest.
Reading those findings reminded me of a book I bought years ago: The 120-Year Diet. The premise of this book is based on a diet high in nutrition and low in calories. Dr. Roy Walford indicated that we would live much longer by being underweight. The trick of course is to find food that is truly high in nutrition. Because of mass production of our fruits and vegetables, the nutrition content is lower than it’s ever been. It seems then that by attempting to grow more food, we are actually getting less nutrition.
In many ways, we’ve lost sight of what is important for us to live: food, water, and oxygen. We seem to be more focused on our cell phones and the latest flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Not that those things aren’t important, but perhaps we should pay just a little more attention to the nutritional value of what we ingest. Not only do our lives depend on it, but our kids’ lives do too.
Sad, Enraged, & Hopeful
Is it possible to feel sad, enraged, and hopeful all at the same time? A recent trip inside a local fast food establishment – for iced tea - triggered all three of these emotions for me.
Why sad? I saw a man sitting in a booth, distracted by his cell phone while his two children sat quietly eating huge hamburgers, French fries, and sipping on large sugary drinks. Neither of these children could have been more than twelve, and both of them were overweight. The amount of calories sitting in front of each of them had to have topped a thousand, more than either of them should have eaten in a whole day! The story I made up about that scene was that the man was divorced from the children’s mother, and that he had them for the weekend. He was having a casual conversation with someone who wasn’t even there, and the kids seemed bored.
Why enraged? The man seemed oblivious to his children, like he was just doing his duty to feed them and keep them entertained, so he could continue his conversation on his cell phone. When the boy asked his dad a question, his dad snapped at him, “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” Here’s the story I made up about how they got there. Based on the excess weight of both the children, I suspected they had found a way to feel comfortable while being with their dad – and he found a way to keep them entertained until time to send them back to Mom. I also suspect that the environment with their mom was not much different. Fast food, it seems, has replaced cartoons for the entertainment provided by the non-custodial parent. Fast food, however, has less nutrition than Sponge Bob Square Pants. And neither fast food nor cartoons can replace quality parental interaction. Besides, just sitting and talking to your kids is a whole lot cheaper. A fast-food restaurant, or any restaurant for that matter, is NO substation for the dining room table at home.
Why hopeful? The media blitz on obesity has taken the gloves off. Overweight is overweight, anyway you look at it. The message is simple: The obesity epidemic can be cured. It’s not like a contagious virus or bacteria; you can’t get fat from walking into an all-you-can-eat buffet full of obese people. You can get fat if you do what those obese people do, though, and that’s eating too much and eating the wrong food.
The average calorie intake for a healthy woman is 1800. For a man, it’s 2200. These number, though, are as variable as the temperatures on our planet. Appropriate calorie intake depends on height, bone size, and activity levels. Don’t guess, and don’t make excuses. Do the calculations. Your life may depend on it.
Why sad? I saw a man sitting in a booth, distracted by his cell phone while his two children sat quietly eating huge hamburgers, French fries, and sipping on large sugary drinks. Neither of these children could have been more than twelve, and both of them were overweight. The amount of calories sitting in front of each of them had to have topped a thousand, more than either of them should have eaten in a whole day! The story I made up about that scene was that the man was divorced from the children’s mother, and that he had them for the weekend. He was having a casual conversation with someone who wasn’t even there, and the kids seemed bored.
Why enraged? The man seemed oblivious to his children, like he was just doing his duty to feed them and keep them entertained, so he could continue his conversation on his cell phone. When the boy asked his dad a question, his dad snapped at him, “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” Here’s the story I made up about how they got there. Based on the excess weight of both the children, I suspected they had found a way to feel comfortable while being with their dad – and he found a way to keep them entertained until time to send them back to Mom. I also suspect that the environment with their mom was not much different. Fast food, it seems, has replaced cartoons for the entertainment provided by the non-custodial parent. Fast food, however, has less nutrition than Sponge Bob Square Pants. And neither fast food nor cartoons can replace quality parental interaction. Besides, just sitting and talking to your kids is a whole lot cheaper. A fast-food restaurant, or any restaurant for that matter, is NO substation for the dining room table at home.
Why hopeful? The media blitz on obesity has taken the gloves off. Overweight is overweight, anyway you look at it. The message is simple: The obesity epidemic can be cured. It’s not like a contagious virus or bacteria; you can’t get fat from walking into an all-you-can-eat buffet full of obese people. You can get fat if you do what those obese people do, though, and that’s eating too much and eating the wrong food.
The average calorie intake for a healthy woman is 1800. For a man, it’s 2200. These number, though, are as variable as the temperatures on our planet. Appropriate calorie intake depends on height, bone size, and activity levels. Don’t guess, and don’t make excuses. Do the calculations. Your life may depend on it.
How Difficult Do You Want It?
I just picked up the latest Austin Fit magazine at the Whole Foods Market, and on the front cover is a forty-six-year-old woman riding a bike and gorgeous enough to stop a war. Jealous? Okay, yeah, I’ll admit it. My point? She looks really great, but then I read what she does to look the way she does, and it stops me cold. First of all, she’s Susan Dell, of the Michael and Susan Dell Foundation, and she rides her bike 50+ miles several times per week. I can’t do that. Not that I don’t have a bike, which I do, but I don’t have the stamina to ride it up a hill, which is all I have close to my home. So, does that mean that I have to settle for a less than fit body?
NO!
To me, doing what extreme fit people like Susan does vs. what I am willing to do is like the difference between having a million dollars and having ten million dollars. I can do just fine on a million, meaning that working out on my Elliptical machine for thirty minutes to an hour each day, and using dumbbells to tone my muscles, will get me exactly where I want to be without having to bike fifty miles or spend a bundle on a gym membership.
I guess then that begs the question: Why do we work out? It is really to get fit, or is it to relieve stress? Is it really to lose weight, or is it a social outlet? Are we working toward a goal, or are we working off anger from a high stress lifestyle? Before we can plan a strategy on achieving our ideal weight, we need to come to terms with our real motivation for doing so. If our motivation is not clear or if it is based on pleasing someone else, our focus will dim and our motivation will fade. We all need what I call a WIIFM – What’s In It For ME! What will YOU get from achieving your ideal weight? What will YOU get from living a healthy lifestyle? What will YOU get from looking and feeling years younger? And finally, what are YOU afraid of that keeps you from having an ideal body? Isn’t that often what it’s really all about? What we are afraid of might happen if we look too good? Feel too good?
For me, my motivation has less to do with health than it does to do with being able to wear a size four pair of jeans with a pair of four-inch heels. I’m already fit: low blood pressure, heart rate in the low fifties, fabulous immune system – haven’t had the flu in over twenty years and rarely get a cold, although I occasionally suffer from headaches caused by cheap wine – and I am a semi-vegetarian. That means I eat mostly fruits, vegetables, and grains, but if I’m invited out for a steak dinner I rarely say no.
So, that leave me with my vanity, and at 55 years old, I’m entitled to at least that.
NO!
To me, doing what extreme fit people like Susan does vs. what I am willing to do is like the difference between having a million dollars and having ten million dollars. I can do just fine on a million, meaning that working out on my Elliptical machine for thirty minutes to an hour each day, and using dumbbells to tone my muscles, will get me exactly where I want to be without having to bike fifty miles or spend a bundle on a gym membership.
I guess then that begs the question: Why do we work out? It is really to get fit, or is it to relieve stress? Is it really to lose weight, or is it a social outlet? Are we working toward a goal, or are we working off anger from a high stress lifestyle? Before we can plan a strategy on achieving our ideal weight, we need to come to terms with our real motivation for doing so. If our motivation is not clear or if it is based on pleasing someone else, our focus will dim and our motivation will fade. We all need what I call a WIIFM – What’s In It For ME! What will YOU get from achieving your ideal weight? What will YOU get from living a healthy lifestyle? What will YOU get from looking and feeling years younger? And finally, what are YOU afraid of that keeps you from having an ideal body? Isn’t that often what it’s really all about? What we are afraid of might happen if we look too good? Feel too good?
For me, my motivation has less to do with health than it does to do with being able to wear a size four pair of jeans with a pair of four-inch heels. I’m already fit: low blood pressure, heart rate in the low fifties, fabulous immune system – haven’t had the flu in over twenty years and rarely get a cold, although I occasionally suffer from headaches caused by cheap wine – and I am a semi-vegetarian. That means I eat mostly fruits, vegetables, and grains, but if I’m invited out for a steak dinner I rarely say no.
So, that leave me with my vanity, and at 55 years old, I’m entitled to at least that.
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